singularjustice | ♔ [Text]

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[ If anyone is looking for N, he will not be easy to find. His Pokemon seem to be missing too, though his name still registers on the SFC. However, he does not seem to be answering messages, though one is free to leave one and try their luck.

He does, however, send out short messages to anyone he has made plans to meet with this week, leaving them a short message that simply says: I need to cancel this week. Sorry. ]

[Private Text to Red]
I'm sorry I upset you.

But I can't be sorry for fighting Silver. I'll leave him alone now. He's got his choices, and I said what I wanted to say.

But I couldn't just let him go like that. Let him take Feraligatr back and think he had won, that everything was going to be okay the way it was. Maybe it's not important to anyone else, what a trainer does to his Pokemon. Maybe to everyone else the rights of a human is more important. But not to me.

Green's right. I don't deserve you. I'm not like other people and I'm never going to be. This just proves it.

[ The message ends there, and then, a few minutes later: ]

Go to the Clinic if you're still feeling bad. And get some sleep.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

that's not what they think of you!! that's not what I think of you, N!! do you think that I'd grow feelings for you if you make me suffer?! do you think that Hilda would do what she did, if she didn't care for you?! will your Pokemon ever smile at you, if they think that you are not worth protecting?!

you have never made me— --us feel that way! The only times that you make me suffer is when you missed to realize how much I actually need you by my side, too! when you're not at my side... when I can't even see you, when I can't reach you... when I see you running away by yourself, unknown to me where you'll go and what will happen next. that's when I suffer!!

before I met you... I always thought I'd never be able to save anyone again. I caused many people to feel painful feelings as well. Green, Silver... even you. but you saved me by merely saying that I saved you! I don't even know how to express myself on how much your mere words saved me! I always did stupid things, too! I would always someone to suffer as well... even now.

but I never gave up. ... N, do you think that if you make me suffer, I would hide it? I would never hide such things! and I never lied about anything, even now! you have never made me suffer. that's why... that's the reason, I want to be with you, I want to protect you. it's not because you can't do it yourself! it's not whether or not you are weak or capable! It's because I chose to do it!! you are someone worth protecting to me, because that's how much I learned to love you!!

[Red's fingers felt as if they cramped as he read this text. N must definitely be crying right now. He just can't... let this be this way. He can't give up! Clenching one hand, he breathes and then starts trying to reach N now.]

... N.

[ The call connects, but all N can manage to say is: ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

... Please, don't say sorry. I wish that I can take the pain away. [As Red really hates himself right now...] I wish that you're here with me, or I with you. I wish that I could hold you now.

You call me strong, you say that I always know what to do... But I actually don't. Right now, I don't know what to do or even say. I'm only human, too. I'm human, just like you.

We all get lost like this. Like you, I don't know what now. I'm just saying how I really feel and what I really want to do. And that is to see you... I want to be able to hold you now.

[Red pauses for now, closing his eyes for a brief silence. But after a small, slow breath...]

[...] Something happened to your Pokemon, am I right? But regardless of that, did they ever blame you?

You're with them now, am I right? Will look at them for me?

Will you tell me if they look at you with blame? I am sure that they don't blame you at all. They still love you, despite your mistakes. [And, Red knows that feeling... He has committed so much mistakes, too. But people still love him for who he is.] Just as you can't bare to separate yourself from them... It's the same for them. It's... the same for me. For us here, the ones waiting for you.

I... want to see you, N. [Right now, even Red's tears started to flow as he opens his eyes again, but gazes out blankly.] Just like them, I don't want to be away from you.

[There's an audible sound of a cry.] I want to be able to protect you and others, too. I want to be strong, too. But if being strong means separating myself from people I love like this, I would rather be weak just to be with them. But this isn't what true strength is meant to be! True strength... Just like how it is in Pokemon, we achieve it by understanding each other... Not like this...!

They don't blame me, you don't blame me... I don't understand, I don't get it. I don't know how you can't hate me. Being used hurts, it hurts so much, having someone else use you like a tool, for their own gain --

[ For that is how N feels. He feels he is as bad as Ghetsis, sending his Pokemon against Naoya and getting them hurt for it. ]

They fight for me, you'll fight for me, you'll all get hurt and it's not your fight. It's me, it's me wanting and being stupid and I should be the only one that gets hurt, not my friends!

Is that how you really feel? Are you intentionally truly just using all of us, like tools?

You're mistaking your feelings for something else, N. I know that you're not that kind of person.

You're just too kind. [Too pure, and naive...] You think that having someone get hurt for you is already a bad thing. While getting hurt is never a good thing, the reason behind it may not be. If someone did it for a reason, be it your Pokemon, me, or anyone else—

Then it is justified. And all our decisions do have a reason. It's not as simple as because we decided to protect you or you ordered us to do it. It goes... much more than that.

Even if you say that you ordered it, it's still our own decision to truly do it or not. We've just decided to do it, because of our own reasons. You're not using us, N. We're not dumb. We have our own minds with our own wills. So, don't blame yourself for that. It's our own.

...I don't want you to make that decision. I don't want you to get hurt for me.

It feels like it's my fault. Even if you say it's not. It hurts, when I lose, when my friends are harmed because they wanted to battle for me and I let them...

I don't want it to happen to you. I don't. It'd hurt too much.

... Then, let me ask you, what is more painful.

Physical pain experienced together that can heal in time, or pain that no medicine can ever cure, suffered all alone?

Are you truly all right staying like this? You're not the only one who will continue to feel this way, N... [Why can't you see that I'm suffering, too...?]

Edited 2011-07-10 05:55 (UTC)

...but what if you don't ever heal?

[ Another sniffle crosses the line. ]

He turned them into stone. They were so -- so very dead. Their voices, just gone. Nothingness. Like when the curse had taken away my ability to hear them.

I-if he hadn't changed them back... I don't... I could h-have lost t-them forever. I d-don't know if Vatheon cares about P-Pokemon, a-about b-bringing t-them b-back...

[ That sniffle is followed by a full-on sob. ]

I d-did it, I a-asked them to f-fight i-instead o-of doing it myself -- like he told me to, I should of, I should of but I hid behind them and I d-don't want --

R-Red I-I'm s-scared.

[... "He?" Well, this definitely confirms that something did happen to N's Pokemon. So, this is what really happened... This is what N hid from him.

Now, Red finally understands why N is feeling this way. But who is this person, and why would he do such a thing to N? Red doesn't recall N ever having a fight with anyone else except Silver.]

[...] I'll find you. I don't care if you don't want me to... I'll find you right now. I'll keep going until I find you.

You don't have to fight battles by yourself. You're not weak nor useless, N. There is always something that you can do. Using your Pokemon to fight... It's not hiding behind them. That's how it's always been for us, isn't it?

We are in another world... Just because of that, we shouldn't lose sight of how we really are. This is how we do it, as trainers. As their partners. Others from different worlds don't understand that... But I'm sure, in a way, they'll come to understand someday.

We just have to prove to them that this is own form of strength. Our way of fighting is side-by-side... It's not hiding behind them. Together, Pokemon, the trainers... We're protecting each other. It's not just them. Without us, they wouldn't know what to do. They would be lost and feel helpless.

... N, please tell me where you are.

...d-don't leave, y-you're sick --

[ This is exactly what he doesn't want, for Red to hurt himself for him. Is going back the only way to stop it? But that means clinging to him, whatever Red says about fighting side-by-side...

N is so mixed up, so many different wants and illusions about how the world should be clouding his mind. ]

D-don't. I-I'll come to you, once I s-stop -- ah -- stop c-crying --

'm so sorry...

I told you not to apologize... But, no, I will... I'll come.

[It wouldn't be a good idea to let N come here, since this is where Green is... temporarily staying in. Red is certain that Green isn't ready for this.

To save Green, as well as N... For all their sake, he'll have to be the one to come.]

It's... easier on me, if you tell me where you are, right? [Though feeling weak, Red manages a light laugh. It sounds a bit cheerful. Obviously, something like an illness isn't going to stop him that easily.]

B-but you're sick. I don't want you to get sicker...

[ As stressed as he is, N cannot help worrying about Red, and it is audible in his voice. ]

I'll be fine. [A faint breath, his tiny smile not fading.] I promise.

Please, N...

...I'm in one of the warehouses. B-but I can meet you somewhere else.

[Finally...]

It's fine. I'll be right there...

[It'll be easier to ease N if he stays put.]

Wait for me.

Okay.

[ N curls up to wait. ]

[Red quietly says a word of encouragement for N before he ends the call.

He makes sure to take a deep breath, then uses his inhaler as he pockets his SFC. Without needing anything else, he hurries out of the inn room.

The warehouses... It must be those in the isolated market area. Red heads over to that location, then checks each and every warehouse for any signs of N.]

[ Purrloin is sitting out front of one, and she gives a meow of welcome when Red gets near, before turning back inside; N had sent her out to show Red the way. ]

[Red smiles at Purrloin to greet her back, then follows her carefully in.

... It's dark in here. He decides to slide his SFC out and use it as a flashlight. He keeps following Purrloin slowly.]

[ N is curled up with his Pokemon around him near the back. At least he has a light on back there, though he is still sitting on the floor.

When he hears Red's footsteps, he looks up, eyes still red from all the crying he has been doing. ]

[Red pockets his SFC once he's detected a lighted area. He hurries to that spot, when he's greeted by this sad sight...

It's almost a huge relief... He finally saw him again.

It's only been a day, but he's been immensely worried about N. Red doesn't waste time to his beloved's side, moving to sit on his knees, and then tightly embracing N within his arms.]

[ Now that Red is here... N cannot pull away from that comfort. He cannot deprive himself -- or Red -- any longer. He wraps his arms around Red tightly and clings to him, hiding his face against the other boy's shoulder without a word. ]

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