singularjustice | ♔ [Text]

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[ If anyone is looking for N, he will not be easy to find. His Pokemon seem to be missing too, though his name still registers on the SFC. However, he does not seem to be answering messages, though one is free to leave one and try their luck.

He does, however, send out short messages to anyone he has made plans to meet with this week, leaving them a short message that simply says: I need to cancel this week. Sorry. ]

[Private Text to Red]
I'm sorry I upset you.

But I can't be sorry for fighting Silver. I'll leave him alone now. He's got his choices, and I said what I wanted to say.

But I couldn't just let him go like that. Let him take Feraligatr back and think he had won, that everything was going to be okay the way it was. Maybe it's not important to anyone else, what a trainer does to his Pokemon. Maybe to everyone else the rights of a human is more important. But not to me.

Green's right. I don't deserve you. I'm not like other people and I'm never going to be. This just proves it.

[ The message ends there, and then, a few minutes later: ]

Go to the Clinic if you're still feeling bad. And get some sleep.

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...Yes.

Or...

We can talk. As friends, and as equals. But it's your decision, N-kun--I won't think less of you either way.

...

[ There is a long silence. Then a small, childish: ]

You don't want to scold me?

[His response is equally quiet.]

I don't have anything to scold you for.

[...and, somewhat amused--]

You found something you were willing to fight for, huh?

...I've always been willing to fight for it.

[ He murmurs. ]

I just always go about it the wrong way.

...It seems to me like you're more certain now.

[...hmmm.]

Violence maybe wasn't the best option, but what you did also wasn't the worst. Don't be so hard on yourself, N-kun; you have to put everything into perspective.

I didn't know of any other way to do it. He'd stolen his Pokemon back, and he didn't seem to care what anyone else said...

He probably doesn't care even now.

[ N's voice is sad. ]

I won't bother him any more. I can't change him. But I couldn't just let it go like that. Doing nothing. His poor Pokemon...

...You're wrong.

You can change him. You've probably already started to change him.

Because...even if not much, next time he goes to do something, he'll remember this. And he'll think about it.

I hope so. I hope he learns...

It's already started. His Feraligatr turned on him in the middle of a battle. He'll try to beat it into submission, but that will only work for so long. There's already so much anger in it...

[ It is easier, to talk about others instead of himself. Even Pokemon. ]

[That's not good enough for Minato, though.]

...Yes. He'll have to learn. You only got it started.

[...]

But that isn't why you're pushing everyone away. Why are you isolating yourself?

[ There is silence again, this one extensive. ]

I need to learn to take care of myself.

[ He sounds determined about that, at least. ]

[...hmmm. He wonders why this came all of a sudden, but--]

...You don't think you're learning already?

Learning to take care of yourself doesn't mean being alone.

I'm not. I'm always clinging to someone, or hiding behind them. Everyone else has to help me get out of trouble...

[ He swallows heavily. ]

[...he had been right. It was Naoya, wasn't it?]

...I'm sorry, but I don't see it.

I don't understand.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I always have to go to you or Red. Or I hide behind my Pokemon, let them fight for me.

[ A sniffle, though he tries to cover it. ]

I don't do things for myself. And people get hurt, my Pokemon get hurt, because they're trying to protect me...

[...He's not going to bother arguing. Why would he?

It's a waste of time, especially over the phone. Instead he lets N say his piece, and then--]

But you're just hurting yourself more by isolating yourself--instead of fixing any problems.

[...]

Maybe I don't see what you mean because we spend our time together working so that you can work with your Pokemon, but...cutting off the people who care about you won't fix anything.

It's too easy if I'm near you. To lean on you. To use you.

[ He wants, so badly, to be near Minato right now. ]

I h-have to do this on my own. They d-depend on me, and i-if I don't get better they'll get h-hurt again --

[A quiet sigh.]

Aren't you making this harder on yourself and on them?

If you want to be able to protect other people, you have to grow stronger, it's true. But everyone needs help, and not just sometimes.

I can't let you help with this.

I can't let you get hurt.

[ ...

He did not actually mean to say that last part out loud. ]

...You can trust me, though.

[...so many people, lately. Trying to take his own choices out of his hands. Trying to take responsibility for what he decides to do.

But he's calm, though his tone might be just a little sad.]

...it's not that I don't trust you...

That's not it.

I do trust you.

I know you'll take care of me.

That's the problem.

[ A shaky breath. ]

They will too. They'll do anything I ask them to do, you know? As their friend, they trust me. They trust me to take care of them.

If I let other people fight for me, get hurt for me, that's not being a good friend. Not if I use them to fight my battles. My arguments, like the one with Silver -- I should have never battled him with my Pokemon the first time. They're not a part of this. It wasn't to protect myself. It was because I wanted to fight.

No one should fight those battles but me.

No...you don't understand.

Letting someone help you and using someone are two very different things.

You can trust me--trust Red--to make our own choices. You aren't using us.

And you can trust your Pokemon as well to make their own choices. If they want to protect you...that is what they want to do. Why would you take that away from them?

What you can do is just do your best, for yourself and for them also.

Because their choice to listen to me got them turned into stone.

[ Everything in that sentence is a jumble of emotion -- anger and hurt and fear and sadness. ]

He turned them back -- but he didn't have to. He could have left them like that, could have killed them, and I was the idiot who asked them to fight for me, just because I was angry --

[...]

Naoya-san?

[...he'd thought so. A quiet, quiet sigh.]

Fighting him, losing your temper...that might have been a mistake. But they...wanted to fight with you, N-kun.

Or they wouldn't have. Regardless of the outcome, you shouldn't forget that.

[ N winces. How did Minato know that? ]

...yes...but...

You don't understand. They're my responsibility. I'm supposed to be their leader, I'm supposed to take care of them and make sure they don't get hurt.

Even when they're fighting for me -- I'm supposed to be the one keeping a cool head. Making the right decisions so they don't get knocked out and hurt.

...I understand more than you'd think.

N-kun, we fight shadows back home, as we've told you. SEES--all of us.

They're my team, and I'm their leader. It's my job to make the decisions...but it's also my job to trust them to make their own.

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