singularjustice | ♔ [Text]

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[ If anyone is looking for N, he will not be easy to find. His Pokemon seem to be missing too, though his name still registers on the SFC. However, he does not seem to be answering messages, though one is free to leave one and try their luck.

He does, however, send out short messages to anyone he has made plans to meet with this week, leaving them a short message that simply says: I need to cancel this week. Sorry. ]

[Private Text to Red]
I'm sorry I upset you.

But I can't be sorry for fighting Silver. I'll leave him alone now. He's got his choices, and I said what I wanted to say.

But I couldn't just let him go like that. Let him take Feraligatr back and think he had won, that everything was going to be okay the way it was. Maybe it's not important to anyone else, what a trainer does to his Pokemon. Maybe to everyone else the rights of a human is more important. But not to me.

Green's right. I don't deserve you. I'm not like other people and I'm never going to be. This just proves it.

[ The message ends there, and then, a few minutes later: ]

Go to the Clinic if you're still feeling bad. And get some sleep.

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[...hmmm. He wonders why this came all of a sudden, but--]

...You don't think you're learning already?

Learning to take care of yourself doesn't mean being alone.

I'm not. I'm always clinging to someone, or hiding behind them. Everyone else has to help me get out of trouble...

[ He swallows heavily. ]

[...he had been right. It was Naoya, wasn't it?]

...I'm sorry, but I don't see it.

I don't understand.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I always have to go to you or Red. Or I hide behind my Pokemon, let them fight for me.

[ A sniffle, though he tries to cover it. ]

I don't do things for myself. And people get hurt, my Pokemon get hurt, because they're trying to protect me...

[...He's not going to bother arguing. Why would he?

It's a waste of time, especially over the phone. Instead he lets N say his piece, and then--]

But you're just hurting yourself more by isolating yourself--instead of fixing any problems.

[...]

Maybe I don't see what you mean because we spend our time together working so that you can work with your Pokemon, but...cutting off the people who care about you won't fix anything.

It's too easy if I'm near you. To lean on you. To use you.

[ He wants, so badly, to be near Minato right now. ]

I h-have to do this on my own. They d-depend on me, and i-if I don't get better they'll get h-hurt again --

[A quiet sigh.]

Aren't you making this harder on yourself and on them?

If you want to be able to protect other people, you have to grow stronger, it's true. But everyone needs help, and not just sometimes.

I can't let you help with this.

I can't let you get hurt.

[ ...

He did not actually mean to say that last part out loud. ]

...You can trust me, though.

[...so many people, lately. Trying to take his own choices out of his hands. Trying to take responsibility for what he decides to do.

But he's calm, though his tone might be just a little sad.]

...it's not that I don't trust you...

That's not it.

I do trust you.

I know you'll take care of me.

That's the problem.

[ A shaky breath. ]

They will too. They'll do anything I ask them to do, you know? As their friend, they trust me. They trust me to take care of them.

If I let other people fight for me, get hurt for me, that's not being a good friend. Not if I use them to fight my battles. My arguments, like the one with Silver -- I should have never battled him with my Pokemon the first time. They're not a part of this. It wasn't to protect myself. It was because I wanted to fight.

No one should fight those battles but me.

No...you don't understand.

Letting someone help you and using someone are two very different things.

You can trust me--trust Red--to make our own choices. You aren't using us.

And you can trust your Pokemon as well to make their own choices. If they want to protect you...that is what they want to do. Why would you take that away from them?

What you can do is just do your best, for yourself and for them also.

Because their choice to listen to me got them turned into stone.

[ Everything in that sentence is a jumble of emotion -- anger and hurt and fear and sadness. ]

He turned them back -- but he didn't have to. He could have left them like that, could have killed them, and I was the idiot who asked them to fight for me, just because I was angry --

[...]

Naoya-san?

[...he'd thought so. A quiet, quiet sigh.]

Fighting him, losing your temper...that might have been a mistake. But they...wanted to fight with you, N-kun.

Or they wouldn't have. Regardless of the outcome, you shouldn't forget that.

[ N winces. How did Minato know that? ]

...yes...but...

You don't understand. They're my responsibility. I'm supposed to be their leader, I'm supposed to take care of them and make sure they don't get hurt.

Even when they're fighting for me -- I'm supposed to be the one keeping a cool head. Making the right decisions so they don't get knocked out and hurt.

...I understand more than you'd think.

N-kun, we fight shadows back home, as we've told you. SEES--all of us.

They're my team, and I'm their leader. It's my job to make the decisions...but it's also my job to trust them to make their own.

Your team is human. You can.

[ N has to take a breath to calm himself. ]

My Pokemon are smart. They are very smart, in ways humans cannot be. But humans are smart in ways Pokemon cannot be, either. Any of my Pokemon could defend themselves fine. But to know innate weaknesses, to read an opponents move, to understand what they are thinking, to make strategies and complex plans...that requires human thought, which very few Pokemon are capable of.

...You can too, N.

But it's in a different way. You're right--your Pokemon aren't human. They might need your direction for those plans.

But it was their choice to allow you to do so. You don't force them into anything, do you?

...It wouldn't be very fair to disrespect that. Not when you are so adamant now about making your own.

...no. I don't, but...

Hurting someone through negligence may not be as bad as hurting them purposefully, but one should still feel responsible for it.

Yes. You should take responsibility for it.

But not to the point that it cripples you like this, N-kun.

What did Naoya-san tell you? That you...feel like this. ...What happened?

[ ... ]

He...

[ He does not want to talk about this. It is like cheating, telling Minato. But he has already lost, hasn't he? Talking to Minato like this...

His head drops against his knees. He feels so small, so weak. ]

How like a child I am. How little I know. He's right. There is so much I should know, things any human should know...

[ His voice starts to break, and he is silent for a moment as he gets himself back together. ]

But I don't act human, do I? I...not that I -- I wouldn't give up my connection to Pokemon for anything.

But I'm not a Pokemon, and I'm not a person, either.

[ Minato cannot see it, but he clinches his fists together. ]

He told me how I was weak. How I...I hide behind my Pokemon. Behind my friends. I don't fight myself. And he's right. Because I wouldn't use my sword against him, I used my Pokemon...they didn't deserve that. It was my fight.

All this practicing and when it came to using my sword I didn't. I put my friends in front of me instead. I used them.

[....]

...You're not a Pokemon or a person?

No, you might be right. You aren't just any Pokemon...or any person either.

But you are N. And if that isn't enough, then you can make it enough. You have all the potential you need.

But if you know something is wrong, then it can be fixed.

I'm trying to fix it!

[ The problem is, he has no idea how. All he knows is that he needs to, and now he thinks he needs to do it alone. Yet all he seems capable of is sitting here and getting more upset. ]

[There's silence on his end for a moment.

Just silence. And when he speaks, his tone is very quiet.]

How are you fixing it?

I...

[ N hates nothing more than how very stupid he feels right now. He makes an unhappy sound, somewhere between a whine and a growl. ]

I don't know. I'll figure something out.

...I know you will.

And N..I don't have a solution either.

But I know that trying to solve it alone won't make it easier.

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